I think I won the penis lottery.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
