Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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