In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
