you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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