Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
