I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
