her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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