a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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