I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
