i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
