It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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