john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I had to cum in my sink.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
