He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
