And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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