You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
