Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
