i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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