my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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