Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
