she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize