Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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