I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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