So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
