Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
