Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
