i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
