i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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