oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
