between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
