oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
