I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
