Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
