Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
