Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
