When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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