Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
