Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
