I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
