I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
