Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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