I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
