if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
