as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
