Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I look better un-naked...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
