I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I will pee on everything he values.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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