When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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