I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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