Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
