I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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