Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
