We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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