You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I take back everything I said about communal showers
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
