Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
