i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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