i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just come out here and I will go home with you...
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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