My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
