and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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