she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
